| I really want to hate you right now. But I can't. I can hate the way that you always turn it around, how you complement me and then I end up comforting you. I end up explaining away all of your flaws, and then what am I left with? you always make it so I can't help but comfort. That's my flaw, I guess. I want to say never again, but I know that that isn't going to happen. I'm a pushover. I'm never going to be the girl that will speak up when it's awkward or refuse to do something because it's .... I don't know. I can't speak up, I can't articulate. I need someone to talk to, but when I get to that person, I can't put things into words. I can't make heads or tails of the mass of things I'm feeling. I worry, because more often then not I feel numb instead of pain. And though that sounds great, I can't help but sense that sometimes it would be better if I could feel the negative in order to feel the positive. I'm not in for the head games. I am straightforward. I don't play games. I really don't. all of my shit is internal, but i don't act on it. for me, any type of relationship, be it friendship or otherwise, hell if it's life, entails playing a part. You get good enough at acting, and you start to even fool yourself. but it is acting, nonetheless. And yes, some people slip up. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I don't. My acting is resolute. I keep it together. That's all life is. Hiding the things that we need to keep hiding and letting people in on the more innocuous details. And I am good with that. And good at that. I think I learned somthings though. My past? all identifying details? needs to be kept hidden. I know, I know. If you can't be with someone and not be who you are than it isn't worth it. But you know what? I would rather have to change the act and not be lonely than to be alone. I would rather have someone like the act I am putting on, appreciate the person who I am pretending to be, than to hurt the person I actually am. It's all bullshit though. People are who they are. The only trick is to not get caught. When you get good at pretending, the act becomes who you are. I have lost track of all the people I am now. They all blend into eachother and I can't remember who I am anymore, and I think that is safer. Life is moments. A series of events that blend into eachother and you fight your way through. The only sure thing in this world is our own inevitable death. I don't go seeking my death. There are times when, yes, i wouldn't mind for it to happen, but that misses the mark. There is a difference between not fearing death and activly looking for it. I worry that television is becoming more real to me than actual life. I guess that my problem is exactly the thing that saves me day after day. I act. and I assume that everyone else does too. I assume that people are inherently good. And they aren't. They really are not. I harbour this view of the world which doesn't fall in with it's actions. The people in tv are just so much easier to figure out. They are just like real people, but so much easier to understand. I can't analyze too much (at least not in the tv I watch). And I don't want to stop striving to understand this world, because the more I know, the more it changes and I want to see how it ends.
Bottom line is, Be quick to be friendly, slow to be trusting. |
